How To Kill a Vampire

How To Kill a Vampire
They want to suck your blood; you want to take them down

Are undead, blood-sucking monsters terrorizing your village? Do you suspect your extremely attractive significant other of wanting to stick their unusually sharp teeth into your neck? With these tips on how to take them down, no count, monster, or sparkling vampires will be making you more of a snack than you already are.

1) Sneak garlic into their food

Let’s start off simple! Most of us love garlic in some form; bread, pasta, sauce, bread, spice, bread! But did you know that garlic cloves were said to have healing powers? In Slavic regions, it was used to protect against demonic and dark sources, which include vampires. In Romanian regions, it was said that you could tell if someone was a vampire by their unwillingness to eat garlic. It was said that they were allergic, that it could cure their vampirism, that if you ate it your blood would be poisonous, and that garlic had an antibacterial that could kill the bacteria that vampires needed to live.

  • Try not to use a lot of garlic; vampires try to stay away from the strong smell. Use enough to get the job done and mask the smell with something else. I prefer oregano, but you can use whichever herb, spice, or ingredient you choose
  • Bake the garlic into the bread! If you have a bread maker, make your own bread with garlic in it. Smother those slices in cheese, and say it’s cheesy-bread. They’ll never see it coming!
  • Replace the salt with ground-up garlic cloves. Don’t worry; it’s a special, imported salt. Nothing to worry about!

2) Stake to the chest

Carmilla Karnstein from The Vampire Lovers (1970)

Let’s face it, a stake to the heart would most likely kill anyone. But vampires are able to heal themselves quickly. A stake to the chest, however, breaks multiple bones and make it so they can’t heal. So, stake to the heart will play the part!

  • Gain the vampire’s trust so that they let their guard down.
  • Sneak up on the vampire when they’re asleep. They’re dead, so they sleep like it.
  • Go through intense training to become a vampire slayer. Good agility and strength will help you get the upper-hand.

3) Sunlight

Orlock from Nosferatu (1922)

Sunlight has been known to be a deadly element against vampires. Sometimes, they burn to death, sometimes they sparkle, sometimes they just fade away in a cool special effect. Vampires are demonic entities that thrive in the night.

  • Spend the night away watching your favorite movies and binge-watching your favorite series with black-out curtains on so that your guest doesn’t know when the sun comes up. Once the time is right, rip those curtains off and let the sun do its work.
  • If you live in a rainy climate where vampires could come out during the day, pay attention to the weather reports for the next clear day. Invite your vampiric neighbor on a hike, and take them to a clearing.

4) A sacred bullet

Alucard from Hellsing: Ultimate (2014)

Holy objects, in general, are a big no-no for Vampires. You know, demonic entities, demons hate holy objects, all that noise. There is a common misconception that it’s silver bullets that kill vampires. Not so, that’s werewolves. These bullets are scared, blessed bullets that are bound to kill any unwanted blood-sucking creature

  • Take your bullets to your closest church and douse them in holy water.
  • If you don’t have holy water available, virgin or extra virgin olive oil will work as well.
  • Have your local priest bless the bullets you intend to use
  • Have a good aim

5) Beheading

Count Mitterhaus from Vampire Circus (1972)

When in doubt, decapitation will always kill a vampire. Once the brain is detached from the body, or the spine is no longer connected to the brain, you’re dead. Or...redead? You’re double dead in this case since if you’re a vampire you’re undead. If you’re alive, you’re just dead. There’s no coming back from that. I’m sorry. Rest in peace.

  • If you’ve already done one of the methods above, and you just want to make sure the job is done, beheading isn’t overkill. It’s making sure the job is done.
  • Much like the stake to the chest method, sneaking up on a vampire while they’re in deep sleep is a good method for this as well.
  • Public execution could work up a show. You could make some money on the side selling tickets. That’s always a bonus.
  • Axes, swords, guillotines, or, if you’re sadistic, a butcher knife will be good weapons. Get creative. Let your imagination run wild.

Disclaimer: Depending on the lore of the vampire, some of these methods may not work. We are not responsible for any failed attempts. Please make sure you are killing an actual vampire and not someone who is pretending to be a vampire. We do not condone the violence against others, especially other human beings.

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